Always in a hurry....

As I begin my "new life" of being at home, doing one thing at a time, I meet a lot of my habits or old patterns, whatever we may call them. Its interesting - and challenging at times!

Speed has always been a virtue for me. Somehow I decided early on that it was good to be fast. The quicker the better. And I am discovering how deeply all of that is ingrained in everything I do! Even if I go to the toilet, I am doing it fast .... :-)

I talk fast, write fast, walk fast... the only thing I dont do fast is when I am with horses. It does not work with them! The owner of one of my horse-clients once said she thinks I am the slowest person on earth when I work with horses - and the opposite otherwise.

Maybe not surprising that when I got really ill with lyme disease (borelia) some thirteen years ago, the effect it had on me was to effectively slow me down. I called it living in the "chewing-gum-world" because everything was like moving in chewing gum, even my thoughts were soooo slooowwww.... To me that was horror, and I was happy to start regaining speed as I was recovering.

Now, I am not so sure. I really see how I shortcut myself and how I use speed as a defense. It stops me from reflecting, from really being there with all of me, from true honesty and from really being with other people. I have always argued that speed is one of the ways you can escape the critical "editor" in your head that stops creativity - and that is true and very useful when it comes to generating lots of wild ideas! But its also a way of running away from the inner wisdom and the connection to others, which isn't so useful in the long run.

So I am reminding myself, each step, every day, that I am in no hurry. I have to write notes to myself. Have to slow my breath, my step, my movements. Write slower. I have given myself the gift of time, this time. I have time. I dont have to write five books in two weeks. If I write them in a year, thats fine.... If not, I guess that is actually fine too!

And I watch with interest all the stuff that emerges, just in the switching of tempos. I still don't get the full understanding of why I made this choice and what the benefits must have always been to keep it going. And I think, after almost fifty years of doing it this way that I will not change completely. But I will try out the blessings of Slow as much as I can. And whenever I forget, I just need to enter "horse mood" and automatically the pace changes. And I guess I will have to keep writing notes to myself...

Creativity and Coffee-stains....

I have to admit I am struggling. As soon as I start doing something, I ran into my own high standards about how things are supposed to be! The reality is that I am tired, and I need some space and quiet time to germinate, develop thoughts, work on structure and just generally hang out in my chair or walk in the woods. My idealised picture is that I will produce forty pages of good solid text every day, update the blog every day and bla blabla blabla.... Which, of course, isnt happening. Which, of course, starts the re-cycling of self-abuse again....

Yesterday I had some flow - while driving I could see structure so clearly, structure for all the five projects I am working on at the same time (yes, its five, damn it, but it has to be - there is no other way! I know it would be more healthy with one, but since I am not yet sure which ones will live and not, they all have to be there). When I came home I sat down in my chair and plotted mindmaps for three hours, the way I always do when I start something... or re-start.

Happy with myself, I went for a cup of coffee and then Skype went off and a very good friend of mine called! Happy! The only problem was that my dog got happy too! Finally someone talking in this too quiet house... So he comes marching in, waves his great tail with lots of power and Whoosh, Booom, Crash - my favourite cup full of coffee falls on the floor and breaks into a million pieces. On the way, it spills all the coffee over my idea-book and all the A3 mindmaps....

So much for that creativity. They are, now, after drying, barely legible. So time for some re-constructing to be done. No coffee this time. On my desk. No dogtail reaches that high. After all, they are just notes. Attempts to structure the millions of thoughts and ideas going around in my head. And my head is still there, definitely. Only a bit more tired and less clear than yesterday. So I think I will go for a walk in the woods after just typing up what I can read from under the brown layer of coffee. And see what the wind and the silence has for me today!

this thing about Healing....

Today I started a blog post - but it turned into a large number of pages about Healing and Energy Medicine! I was just starting to write to begin my journey "out of the closet"  and publish some thoughts, but it kept flowing and got much too long to be published here.

A key quote I have kept with me for a long time is (if I remember correctly, its been a long time) from Francesco Alberoni and his book about Love and Infatuation published 1979(nor sure about the title in english as I read it in Swedish). "To gently bring someone back to themselves…" To me this is what healing is all about. Our path to brings us to (or back to) Who We Really Are. Our core. The eternal part of our soul, or whatever you wish to call it. There is a huge and all-encompassing metaphysical perspective around healing there… and also a quite down-to-earth one.

Talking about Healing in Sweden evokes many reactions in people. I hear lots of images and associations. Some people see faith healers in churches chanting in gibberish and getting people in wheelchairs to walk. Others see Philippine medicine men taking bloody lumps out of a persons abdomen without opening the skin, some see charlatans and false mediums - and some get genuinely curious, attracted and interested.

Most people seem to have the idea that healing is a gift given to a chosen few. Something you are born to do. Not something you can go to school and learn. Its also commonly seen as very unstructured and "off-the-wall" and think that you have to believe in it for it to work.

In my view, none of that is true. You don't have to believe at all, it works nicely anyway. "Can't hurt, might help" is what I often hear myself say. And going to school is just what I have done! Yes, I had a grandmother who knew lots of things, used her herbs and could pull a dislocated shoulder right and cure stomach-aches. That helps of course, not least for the belief that those things are possible. But most things I have learned by reading, practicing, going to courses and to school - a four year professional training that can even lead to a Bachelor in Healing Science in the states with a few added courses. (more info and links on my homepage if you are interested)

My take on it is that everyone can do this. I know we can. We have just forgotten. And some people, of course, have more talent than others, just like we do for jumping high or playing chess. We naturally put our hands on the place that hurts on ourselves or our kids. Thats how its been done for ages. Thats how we still do it. And thats where it starts. "Healing for Household needs". That is where I will be focusing from now on.

And now I will continue to write what started as a blogpost and turned into a tenth of a book… :-)

Bilingual Bloggin'

After being nudged, bullied and begged for years (well, in my dreams anyway) to extend my blogging into English I have finally decided to do it and how. There will be a separate blog, this one, that is kept exclusively in English! It may or may not be the same entries as the Swedish ones - meaning that those who read both languages may have an additional post to read now and then!
They will have separate adresses and separate links from the homepage - which by the way is kajsaberglind.se or kajsaberglind.com if you hadn't found it already!
The Swedish blog is at kajsaberglind.blogspot.com
So entering the new domain of  writing and creating this will be a platform and a reflection area, where I can ponder on this and that and deepen my understanding through your comments!

Looking forward to it!