Always in a hurry....

As I begin my "new life" of being at home, doing one thing at a time, I meet a lot of my habits or old patterns, whatever we may call them. Its interesting - and challenging at times!

Speed has always been a virtue for me. Somehow I decided early on that it was good to be fast. The quicker the better. And I am discovering how deeply all of that is ingrained in everything I do! Even if I go to the toilet, I am doing it fast .... :-)

I talk fast, write fast, walk fast... the only thing I dont do fast is when I am with horses. It does not work with them! The owner of one of my horse-clients once said she thinks I am the slowest person on earth when I work with horses - and the opposite otherwise.

Maybe not surprising that when I got really ill with lyme disease (borelia) some thirteen years ago, the effect it had on me was to effectively slow me down. I called it living in the "chewing-gum-world" because everything was like moving in chewing gum, even my thoughts were soooo slooowwww.... To me that was horror, and I was happy to start regaining speed as I was recovering.

Now, I am not so sure. I really see how I shortcut myself and how I use speed as a defense. It stops me from reflecting, from really being there with all of me, from true honesty and from really being with other people. I have always argued that speed is one of the ways you can escape the critical "editor" in your head that stops creativity - and that is true and very useful when it comes to generating lots of wild ideas! But its also a way of running away from the inner wisdom and the connection to others, which isn't so useful in the long run.

So I am reminding myself, each step, every day, that I am in no hurry. I have to write notes to myself. Have to slow my breath, my step, my movements. Write slower. I have given myself the gift of time, this time. I have time. I dont have to write five books in two weeks. If I write them in a year, thats fine.... If not, I guess that is actually fine too!

And I watch with interest all the stuff that emerges, just in the switching of tempos. I still don't get the full understanding of why I made this choice and what the benefits must have always been to keep it going. And I think, after almost fifty years of doing it this way that I will not change completely. But I will try out the blessings of Slow as much as I can. And whenever I forget, I just need to enter "horse mood" and automatically the pace changes. And I guess I will have to keep writing notes to myself...